Free Winkie

2006-08-16T17:05:00.000-04:00

Apologies for the delay since our last post: our computers were confiscated by Homeland Security. Yepoka’s parents have kindly agreed to type in entries from the Catholic Worker in Dakar, dictated to them by phone. Herewith:

Winkie’s supporters are probably aware of recent reports of a dog mauling a number of antique teddy bears at a museum in the U.K.—including a bear that had once belonged to Elvis Presley. We are particularly saddened that, according to a complaint filed this morning by Winkie’s lawyer, prison guards have repeatedly taunted our own bear with this news.

The trial concluded today with testimony from “John the Apostle,” who reportedly wore a brown burlap caftan and stared fixedly into the distance as he spoke:

“And there appeared another wonder in heaven. And behold a great red Winkie, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads. And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth….”

He went on to describe the defeat of said seven-headed Winkie by an army of angels—to which the courtroom burst into cheers. Since a certain inmate here at County (yes, we are all in jail again, we haven't yet been told why) wishes to use this phone and is threatening Ben with a knife fashioned from a mattress spring, we must sign off without reporting on the dozens of other such witnesses who were called by the district attorney. Free Win—

Ouch! Stop! OK, I'm hanging up! (dial tone)

2006-07-18T12:00:00.000-04:00

Today we each received a bill from the university for $947,568, to cover damages incurred by Homeland Security's search of our dorm rooms. That's a total of $6.6 million for the seven of us. Obviously we cannot pay and therefore will be denied admission this fall. All of our parents are upset—except Yepoka's, who run the Catholic Worker in Dakar.

2006-07-16T11:16:00.000-04:00

From a report in the Exurban Republican-Empire:

Acting on a tip from patriotic students at State University, Collegeville, Homeland Security forces descended on the dorm rooms of members of the so-called Free Winkie Committee to search for weapons and explosive devices. Photos of the courthouse where Winkie is being tried were discovered, and the seven students were held for two weeks on charges of aspiring to blow up the building. Yesterday a grand jury failed to bring an indictment. However, authorities also found one contraband Ritilin capsule and the remains of a marijuana cigarette in a room shared by two of the students, who thus remain in custody on drug charges. (Evidence was also discovered that the two students, both female, are “lesbian lovers,” according to sources close to the investigation.)

The students being held are Bao and Emily; they are not lovers (though they did flirt once in an S & M chatroom, by accident). The Ritalin capsule probably belongs to Bao’s 12-year-old brother, who must have dropped it while visiting her. (He was there at their mother’s request, to try to persuade Bao to stop her efforts on behalf of Winkie.) Emily admits to smoking pot on occasion, but in this case the roach was found underneath her carpet—a carpet that, according to college records, had been installed in 1971. (At right, the dorm after it had been searched by Homeland Security.)

Meanwhile, the parade of dubious witnesses against Winkie has continued. For example, according to the Imperial Suburban Sun, Witness C (name withheld), who wore “a black wool coat, black wool breaches, buckled boots, and a tall black hat,” testified:

Mr. Winkie was the person who seduced and compelled me into the snares of witchcraft … He promised me fine clothes for doing it. He brought poppets to me, and thorns to stick in those poppets, for the afflicting of other people; and he exhorted me, with the rest of the crew, to bewitch all of America, but be sure to do it gradually, if we would prevail in what we did.

We note only that it is unlikely that a teddy bear would counsel sticking thorns in a fellow poppet.

2006-06-21T15:25:00.000-04:00

From a report published today:

Winkie Prosecutor Tests Brilliant New Legal Strategy

In a bold move that may affect terrorism trials across the nation, the prosecutor in the Winkie case plans to call skilled actors in place of those witnesses who cannot testify. With crimes that took place some years ago, for example, all of the witnesses against the defendant may in fact be dead. But that won’t stop this dynamo prosecutor, who has vowed to put freak of nature Winkie behind bars—and win himself a place in legal history.

Says one trial insider: “Carefully coached performers can present testimony far more persuasively than most real witnesses, who can easily be tripped up by clever defense attorneys. And proper elocution will make it easier for the press to take accurate notes and fully inform the public on the trial.”

Names of the actors—as well as the roles they will play—are being withheld for reasons of national security. Many of the charges, too, are classified, though sources report that another important aspect of the prosecution strategy is to charge Winkie with misdeeds committed, in some cases, as many as 2,500 years ago. Legal theorists call it a “temporal scattershot” approach. “If the jury finds these charges believable, great,” says an expert in the U.S. Attorney General’s office, which is watching the case closely. “If not, these carefully calibrated falsehoods will only make the government’s other charges seem that much more believable by comparison. It's a win-win.”

2006-06-13T12:12:00.000-04:00

In response to the editorial in today's university newspaper: We aren't trying to downplay the charges against Winkie by not yet posting them here. Rather, the 9,758 counts have taken some time for us to summarize. Also in response to today's editorial: No, we do not believe the defendant would prefer to be tried in Kazakhstan. Winkie's altogether American trial begins tomorrow; the crimes with which s/he is charged include:

- Terrorism
- Treason
- Conspiring to overthrow the United States government
- Providing material support to a foreign terrorist organization
- Possession of components from which a destructive device such as a bomb can be readily assembled
- One hundred twenty-four counts of attempted murder
- Impersonating a woman
- Fraud
- Resisting arrest
- Corrupting the youth of Athens
- Holding the false doctrine that the sun is the center of the world and the earth moves
- Blasphemy
- Witchcraft
- Teaching evolution in the schools
- Ritual satanic abuse
- The creation of immoral works of art
- Obscenity
- Acts of gross indecency with certain young men of London

2006-06-07T21:36:00.000-04:00

The Free Winkie Committee urges everyone to sign the following petition:

We, the undersigned, make the following demands regarding Winkie, reputedly a terrorist and traitor, in fact an innocent stuffed animal:

* That Winkie receive a fair trial, and that all charges for crimes committed before 1924 be dropped, since this was before the bear was made.

* That those citizens who have screamed their wish to kill the bear themselves (with “bare hands” or other means such as hammers and chainsaws), be excluded from the jury.

* That the judge practice objectivity, perhaps by listening to the wind in very tall trees.

* That Winkie be served berries in jail.

* That the press refrain from such phrases as “bear of evil,” “terror mutant,” and “jug-eared Satan.” (Though “the he-she suspect” is at least accurate, as Winkie is transgendered.)

* That the Vice President cease calling for Winkie to be burned at the stake and tossed into a body of water to see if s/he floats, at least until the trial has begun.

FREE WINKIE!

2006-05-25T11:20:00.000-04:00

We carried our 15-foot burlap likeness of Winkie down to the courthouse before 5 a.m.—hours before the charges against the defendant were to be read out—but hundreds of protestors were already there chanting, “Smite the Satan Bear!” As we began tilting the likeness upright, the crowd fell eerily silent, and for that moment we were proud of our lovingly sewn soft sculpture (even though it was quite a bit smaller than originally planned). But then someone in the crowd shrieked a command, and like a school of piranha they swarmed over the cloth bear, trampling it and tearing it to shreds—using broken bottles, plastic forks, knitting needles, nail clippers, even their dentures (removed from the mouth and operated like scissors).

The police stood by unconcerned. Fortunately for us, the crowd’s fury at Winkie was such that they scarcely noticed his human supporters, and we escaped to the sidelines unharmed. We watched as they trampled the remnants some more and sang, “Kill! Kill! Kill!” to the tune of “Amazing Grace.”

We’re disheartened. Besides indicating Winkie’s continued poor standing in the public mind, this also means we will all have to take an incomplete in Fabric Crafts Intensive.

2006-05-18T11:30:00.000-04:00

Fox News aired this photo yesterday, claiming it was taken by a National Security Agency satellite over Afghanistan seven years ago. “This enhanced digital image clearly shows terrorist leader Winkie in the courtyard of an al Qaeda training camp near Tora Bora,” an NSA official told Fox. However, the New York Times reported today that, in fact, no one could confirm where or when the photo was taken, since it was “discovered near a 410-foot mound of satellite photos kept outside NSA headquarters. A gentle breeze blew the photo down to the feet of an NSA employee assigned to sift through the images for any signs of terrorist activity. The employee was reportedly sent to the mound as punishment for smoking in the men’s room.”

2006-05-11T14:34:00.000-04:00

From today’s Fatherland Times:

‘Miss’ Winkie Is a ‘Mister’

Authorities announced today that they had removed terror suspect Winkie from the women’s cellblock of the county jail and placed him in a maximum-security men’s lock-up, after learning that the defendant is, in fact, male.

Prosecutors declined to say how the startling discovery was made.

A high-ranking FBI official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, speculated that the defendant’s impersonation of a woman was simply another in a long string of deceptions. The source added: “This disgusting ruse also shows this criminal’s contempt for one of our society’s most sacred institutions: gender.”

2006-05-09T16:11:00.000-04:00

From this afternoon's Mouldering Clarion-Times:

Winkie Attorney Silenced

Following last week’s release of a letter that purported to identify terror bigwig Winkie as merely a stuffed animal, the judge in the case has placed a gag order on the defendant’s attorney. “This court will not tolerate the dissemination of anti-American propaganda that might prejudice a jury,” said the 765-page ruling.

The order is unusual in that it does not bar prosecutors from “off-the-record conversations in out-of-the-way places with members of the press whom that office might wish to keep apprised of the progress of this extremely important case involving our nation’s security.”

The judge also called for the defense attorney to wear a literal gag ("to be made of coarse cloth such as burlap or calico") while entering and leaving the courthouse.

2006-05-02T11:01:00.000-04:00

From today’s Pan-Regional Conqueror:

"A 48-year-old writer from Brooklyn, N.Y., has come forward claiming to be Winkie’s former owner. 'The Teddy Bear Terrorist is indeed a teddy bear, but not a terrorist,' wrote Clifford Chase [right] in a letter to the defense attorney in the case. 'Winkie was given to me by my mother, Ruth Chase, shortly after I was born. She herself had received him as a gift from her parents, in 1924 or 1925. She called him Marie.'

"Prosecutors immediately dismissed the extraordinary claims, noting that Chase is an avowed homosexual and the editor of an anthology of essays—tellingly titled 'Queer 13'—which has been banned by the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality and MissionAmerica.com. 'The FBI is currently investigating connections between the gay agenda and Muslim fundamentalism,' a prosecution source added. 'Arrests are imminent.'”

2006-04-22T10:09:00.000-04:00

Apologies in the delay since our last post. Because of complaints to the governor by Rumsfeld House and Opus Dei regarding this organization’s activities, the college president has banned us from meeting on campus and, moreover, eliminated the Gender Studies program, which he called “a hotbed of relativism.”

Nearly everyone in the Free Winkie Committee had to change his/her major—though Ben, who was in Comp Lit, decided to switch anyway, in protest, to Home Ec. Since several members of the Gender Studies faculty were also transferred to that department (fortunately they are state employees and cannot be fired), the rest of us have followed.

Naturally we also had to rearrange our schedules. As the semester is nearly half over, the only course available was Fabric Crafts Intensive, which meets all day and all night, five days a week. So we have also been busy catching up—we assume this is what the authorities wanted. However, our midterm group project will be a 40-foot teddy bear with huge ears whose name we dare not speak on campus.

(Above right, the former bell hooks Gender Studies Center, now Tom DeLay Pavilion.)

2006-04-12T10:43:00.000-04:00

Report on the third meeting of the Free Winkie Committee:

Bao pointed out that we haven't yet explained why we believe Winkie is innocent. Emily countered that doing so would only play into the outmoded belief that arguments are meaningful, but after a lengthy discussion she agreed that putting forth our case might be necessary. Following another seventeen hours of debate, we agreed to issue the following statement:

1. Winkie has been charged with a series of bombings that took place over the past 11 years. But before the bear's arrest, the FBI's Most Wanted List described the person responsible for these crimes as a middle-aged man, medium build, about 6 feet tall. As the mug shot clearly shows, Winkie is of indeterminate gender, quite old, of slight build, and barely a foot tall.

2. It is no more unlikely that Winkie is a teddy bear, as we believe, than that s/he is “deformed” or “the victim of some Third World disease,” as the prosecution has claimed. Freud noted the widespread belief among children that their toys are alive, and we see no logical means of disputing this. Or, as Fernando Pessoa wrote, “I consider it neither a human nor a literary error to attribute a soul to the things we call inanimate.” (Thanks to Ben for drawing our attention to this passage.)

3. While we can't rule out the possibility of an evil teddy bear, we do note the absence of forensic evidence in the case, including the prosecution's telling admission—later retracted—that no matching fingerprints were found on any bomb-making materials, because the defendant's paws are “evidently made of cloth.”

Free Winkie!

2006-04-06T16:13:00.000-04:00

From today's Empire-Imperial News:

“Prosecutors in the Winkie case today released this drawing, executed by the defendant during an interrogation, which depicts the U.S. embassy in Baku, Azerbaijan. ‘While the defedand refused to identify it, this schematic is strong evidence of a terrorist plot to bomb the embassy,’ asserted the district attorney, who drew reporters’ particular attention to the smoke coming from the tower at upper right--the living quarters of the American Ambassador to Azerbaijan. Because of security concerns, authorities were unable to release corroborating photos of the embassy in Baku.”

2006-04-03T10:18:00.000-04:00

From today’s Exurban Mega-News:
“This frightening photo, obtained by the Mega-News, shows the so-called Teddy Bear Terrorist in an apparently ‘wild’ state, according to a top member of the prosecution team, who spoke on condition of anonymity. ‘We see in this photo a criminal mind so ravaged by evil that it has reverted to a savage or animal existence,’ said the official.

“Snapped by a hiker more than a year ago, in a remote area not far from where the terror suspect was later nabbed, the picture was originally published in the National Tattler as a shot of ‘Baby Bigfoot.’ It was only recently that the image came to the attention of prosecutors, said the official. ‘Of course we know there’s no such thing as Bigfoot!’ he laughed. ‘But we know that deformed Muslim midgets—who immigrate from disgusting countries in order to blow up innocent property and people—are all too real.’”

2006-03-27T20:42:00.000-05:00

Additional note to the man sent to spy on the Free Winkie Committee: contrary to your March 24 comment, we know your name is not “Laszlo Hirsuty” but Bob Chase, and though you may indeed be a student in the university’s gender studies program, you are also an employee of the FBI. Bao found this information in your wallet—the circumstances of which prompted her to make the following statement:

“While it is true that I slept with Bob over the weekend, it is not true that I betrayed either our cause or my own principles (as some FWC members have charged). As for our cause, I obtained valuable information about Bob (see above). As for my principles: though I admit that I gave into Bob’s advances in a moment of weakness (He whispered, ‘Your name means “bun”’), I reserve the right to give in to my own weakness if I like. And though I AM a committed lesbian, in this case the experiment had less to do with Bob’s gender than with his status as an officer of the law. In short, I wanted to "do" a cop. That is my right. Free Winkie!”

P.S. The FWC wishes to reiterate that we make no judgment on Bob’s hairy back or his right to attend our meetings. Winkie him/herself has a hairy back, as his/her detractors have often pointed out (as if this were a point of shame). We also welcome both vegans and meat eaters to our meetings, though not bear hunters.

2006-03-24T17:13:00.000-05:00

Note to the 40-year-old man carrying a skateboard who attended our envelope-stuffing party last night: we know you’re not a student, and we know you’ve been following us. But you are welcome to spy on us—the Free Winkie Committee has nothing to hide!

For future reference, your white “Meat Is Murder” t-shirt, while endearing, doesn’t conceal the hair on your back. Zach finds it a turn-off, but Bao thinks it’s kind of sexy—she likes “bears.”

2006-03-19T10:00:00.000-05:00

From today's Times-Suburban-Republican-Independent-Pennysaver:

"Last night at a charity ball for Jack Abramaoff Children's Hospital, held at the Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut, former First Lady Barbara Bush called serial bomber Winkie 'a piece of filth' and 'a disgrace to all decent toys across the land.' Later in the evening, a photo opportunity caused a minor disturbance at the hospital, as sick children fled in terror at the sight of Mrs. Bush and her husband in purple scrubs."

2006-03-16T10:59:00.000-05:00

Report on the Second Meeting of the Free Winkie Committee:

The argument began over when our first protest should be, and who should be allowed to speak, though Emily advocated having no speakers at all, because language is pointless anyway, and maybe we should just sing songs instead, but Zach said, not very nicely, OK then, what songs? They went around and around until Yepoka started yelling that as far as she was concerned the Free Winkie Committee had already outlived its usefulness and should be dissolved immediately.

It was then that we noticed the flames reflected in the screen of Emily’s laptop.

We went to the window to see that students from Campus Crusade for Christ (which is, in fact, nearly the entire student body) had joined hands around a huge bonfire, right in front of the Lacan Building. As they prayed, a ten-foot effigy of Winkie was slowly wheeled into position near the fire.

We were all very upset. Bao screamed, “Fucking Christians!” at them, but Yepoka said, “I’m a Christian,” and started crying. None of us knew what to do. We’d been arguing for two fucking hours. Zach and Emily said forget it, they were going home, so Bao said, “Ben, what do you think?”

Ben hadn’t spoken all night, and we’d almost forgotten he was there. (We often forget he’s there.) Down on the lawn, they’d started singing about the apocalypse. Ben looked at the ceiling and said:

“Walt Whitman wrote, ‘May-be, if I don’t do anything else, I shall send out the most wayward, spontaneous, fragmentary book ever printed.’ So I say, if we don’t do anything else, let’s send out the most wayward, spontaneous, fragmentary political movement ever created! Free Winkie!”

We all cheered. The effigy went up in flames.

2006-02-11T06:56:00.000-05:00

From today’s Suburban-Republican:

NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY ADDS SEARCH WORDS

Officials from the National Security Agency, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported that the agency had added the words “teddy bear” and “Winkie” to their list of search words for computerized scanning of telephone calls and e-mails going in and out of the country. Said one top NSA official: “In a matter of weeks, this change has already saved thousands of lives.”

The official provided this newspaper with the following intercepted conversation:

“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“My… My…”
“What, honey?”
“My teddy bear got all dirty today!”
“He did?”
“Yeah. But Mommy put him in the … the … washing machine.”
“Good.”
“He went around and around, and he’s all clean now.”

The NSA official declined to comment on whether the exchange might refer to a plot involving a dirty bomb. “But we have no reason not to believe so,” said the official. Asked about the apparent use of a child to relay a coded message to terrorists abroad, the official said, “Children are our new prime suspects.”

2006-02-07T10:16:00.000-05:00

At left, the mug shot released to the press. The Free Winkie Committee has nothing to hide!

(We only just figured out how to post photos. And thanks, we guessed our new password.)

We will also begin posting news stories on the bear, even negative stories, which (unfortunately) is all of them. But the truth will come out!

As for the defendant’s gender, we have voted to no longer specify it.

2006-02-06T14:20:00.000-05:00

YEEEEEEHAWWWW! KILL WINKIE!!!!!
(Rumsfeld House guessed your password! And we changed it, SUCKERS!)
And in case the Free Winkie Committee hasn’t noticed, Miss Winkie isn’t a toy, she’s a FREAK! A deformed dwarf who hates everything our nation stands for—or haven’t you watched the news? (Evidently the FWC hasn’t even noticed that Winkie is a SHE, not a HE. Evidently the FWC has “gender issues”!) We DARE YOU to post a photo of her. (IF you can guess your new password. Hint: It begins with F!)
KILL WINKIE!

2006-01-31T16:26:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the official blog of the Free Winkie Committee, which will work toward a fair trial, fair press coverage—and, ultimately, total exoneration—for Winkie, the so-called Teddy Bear Terrorist, actually an innocent toy. Free Winkie!

The Committee’s first meeting, held last night in the Foucault Pavilion, began with members passing a binding resolution against all forms of social and political hierarchy. Hence, we have no president or any other officer holder, and no official spokesperson.

We are all leaders! We are all spokespeople!

We are also completely nonviolent, even if certain residents of Rumsfeld House might choose to voice their disagreement by drunkenly yelling “Kill Winkie!” in the upper quad and scrawling “Dykes” and “Fags” on all 17 windows of the Foucault Pavilion.

We refuse to condemn such acts, since condemnation is, itself, an inherently fascist act. Our next meeting will take place Wednesday night in the Lacan Building (above Uncanny Commons), Lower Level, State University College, Collegeville.

Free Winkie!